Bill hoping that waiving from the back of the check-in queue will somehow magic him to the front.

Tasmania Country Club, walking stick capital of the world, heavy Black Jack losses, Bill tearing up the course, beer sculling in the school canteen.

Chuckling on the bus over James & Baileys? Swapping bus stories and an all in roadside slash, while Daryl took photos to show Her Indoors.

Barnbougle Bar, welcome reception, shirt presentation and Calcutta madness

Never gamble when you are excited, away from home & full of Black Sambuca. The Calcutta was massive with a pot of over $4k. I became the $1000 Man and Marty could have gone on all night……and did.

Big Al fell asleep on my bedroom floor hugging a bottle of 96’ Shiraz.

Saturday

Sublime golf experience, awesome weather the PGA were looking sharp and playing top golf, slow play was an mere memory and the points racked up….total points (419), mean score (34.9), range (18, 24 – 42), standard deviation of population from the mean (5.3). (I’ve got a Stats exam in 3 weeks and I gotta practice).

Big Al lay down on the 5th to ‘re-boot his brain’.

Jeff shuffled Ned’s Shack

Chillin on the deck with James

Black Ties & sporrans

Speeches, stories, steaks, Crinkalis, baked beans and banjo strings….Photos, scrapbooks, sticky head covers and “I was the Chairman….”. Formalities concluded with a fine Ode from Andy Hillsong.

With the ‘last word’ ringing in our ears we were back to the bar for more James and some strange drink that looked suspiciously like Baileys!?

Sunday

Same course, different game, wind was up and scores were down; total points (388), mean score (32.3), range (28, 13 – 41), standard deviation for population from the mean (7.5).

All the holes were fantastic but uppermost in my mind is the memory of standing on the tee at the par 3, 7th, tiny elevated green with no back, it was only 86m away and I had a 7 iron in my hand..

Tom's Little Devil

"One of Australia's shortest golf holes, is also one of the nation's most challenging. A sweetly driven long iron into the wind, or a softly floating pitch shot when its still, don't miss it long or left, and you'll never be so glad to walk off with a three."

...I missed it the green long & left!

The foci in the last group was fierce, special mention has to go to Bill. He held is nerve on so many occasions and just when it looked like he would crumble he pulled off some pro shot, be it a 30ft putt for birdie or a recovery wedge that landed 1ft from the green. A sublime performance that he maintained for 3 days straight.

Consistent with the Cliché.. putting won the day, I one putted (and pared) the last three holes that ultimately made the difference.

Fish and chips, presentations, chuckle, Virgin, Louis Vuitton Bum Bags and Leather Prada caps saw us back to the real world.

I’ve had a few comments on the success of the tour and my response remains…contribution to the success of the weekend was shared equally between 12 top blokes.

Cheers

Dom

Temporary site for photos - http://picasaweb.google.com/hill.andrew/PGAPlatinumBarnbougleDunes#

	Day 1	Day 2	Total
Dom	42	41	83
Bill	41	38	79
Paul	39	33	72
Jeff	42	30	72
Wendel	33	38	71
Marty	40	31	71
Martyn	31	36	67
Big Al	30	35	65
Jim	36	28	64
Chris	24	38	62
Andy	33	27	60
Richard	28	13	41

NTP	Andy
Long Drive	Dom

Highest number of wipes (129), lowest number of birdies (1), least points scored (1), highest calcutta bid ($470), shortest Chairman's Welcome speech (5 words) & highest average hours of sleep (6).

The toughest venue the PGA'ers had ever seen presented a fascinating challenge, even the ideal conditions were not enough to prevent fear, tantrums and dismay. Everywhere you looked there were big hairy holes waiting to swallow your balls and local hazards that worried even the most experienced players. Enough about Saturday night, these days it's all about the golf and things didn't get any easier on the course.

Points of note (in some sort of order):

Paul Easten may live in a mansion but a year on from his last disgrace he is yet to clean up his front yard. This is unacceptable and must be addressed by the next tour.

Martos has suddenly become style conscious, turning up on Saturday in a colour co-ordinated couture ensemble by Turtle Creek.

No one was late except for Big Al who was actually early.. for him.

Chipping & putting, Calcutta, lunch...nice.

$1800 in the pot with prices elevated through blatant and shocking syndicate activity. The Mom & Pop investor is surely the loser in this trend of corporate collusion and greed.

Holes 1 to 18 a blur of thick rough, hairy bunkers, long par fives and a drinks dolly unworthy of out your best "any specials on the menu" line.

Lager, the chuckle bus and Ye Olde Miami Vice Guest House which despite the long and pointless name was clean, tidy and functional.

Lager, vindaloo, locals pub, Libby Tricketts, ex porn stars, slow motion dancing, vodka, where did all the smart ones go?... bunk bed.

Lomax's disproportional hangover

Chuckle, bacon & egg roles, coffee 1stTee.

Wipes, club chucking (later denied), swearing, slow play, course marshals, unsportsmanlike longest drive behaviour.

"Judging by your reaction I imagine you didn't score too well on that hole"?

Lunch, ProV 1's, trophy, lots of cash to those greedy syndicates, Platinum, trying to work out how the taps in the bogs work, quick drive home...

... and that is why we love the Tour.

Thanks everyone for your fine company.

Dom

	Day 1	Day 2	Total
Dom	32	34	66
Marty	31	26	57
Chris	22	26	48
Jim	20	27	47
Bill	23	22	45
Alan	26	19	45
Paul	25	19	44
Martyn	19	24	43
Wendel	20	23	43
Andy	22	18	40
Richard	11	1	11

NTP day 1	Jim
Long Drive day 1	Andy
NTP day 2	Martyn
Long Drive day 2	Marty

Pars	49
Birds	1
Wipes	129

Day one - Hunter Valley Golf & Country Club

Big Al was late - not too late to join the huddle around the white board for some ridiculous Calcutta betting. Ronnie and Wendel had a strategy and pushed Jeff O Jeff to $450 (a new record), Neil went for a song ($200) and even Bill went for more than $30.

$2,040 in the pot, it was time to unleash. It was hotting up and Adam was starting to reconsider the black moleskins and fisherman’s smock combo. The Cross of St George was seen in and out of the trees with Wendel at the wheel. The drinks bird was ugly and looked like a bloke, Pauly’s face was getting redder & redder and Ronnie kept putting people off their puts by refereeing to himself as "Richard" around the greens.

Side bets were the order of the day, I had a tenner with Jeff on Bill not making a 50m water carry – he did, I won and Bill was very angry with Jeff. With rumour that Chrissy had shot 32 points on the front everyone was jumpy by the turn. After eating pie and waiting for Adam to change into another outfit we attacked the back nine, I found the zone and nailed 5 pars in a row, Adam kept treading on snakes in the rough and Neil and Jeff hung on.

A good days work deserves a reward and multiple beers around the pool was the order of the day. Booker was pissed and Jeff wanted to tackle a fruit into the pool so we headed for the warm embrace of Cessnock’s hospitality.

Evening

At the Cessnock Hotel (Steer clear of this place, it’s not really a hotel it’s a fight club, inhabited by fat people with no teeth or shoes) we convened and took on board supplies in preparation for the sponsored walk to the Swill and Grill. Loaded up with VB, Steak and chips we headed back to town where strange things happened: Big Al went to bed, Wendel wore some backdoor Village People jeans, Big Al couldn’t fit in his bunk and got up again, Me and Adam pole danced, a hen’s night was hijacked and treated to an arm-wrestle showdown (quite humiliating for Jeff) and the Cessnock hotel became a rammed dance party which, by the way is not conducive to sleeping 11 blokes in one room with paper ceilings located above the DJ’s mixing booth. Before we went to sleep we got up to watch the Rugby World Cup Final. Andy was all smiles as the Boks cheated their way into a winning position against the Poms. After a good breaky (minus the creamed mushrooms) golf was back on.

Day two - Cyprus lakes

It was hot - Adam wore black, Big Al proved that sleep is for losers and nailed a first ever cap busting round. Lots of boys shot 29 points. I had a 5 shot lead which Jeff O Jeff had whittled down to 2 by the turn. The first one to make a mistake was out; Jeff spazzed the 13th and I managed to hang on for a three shot lead. Good manners on the 18th saw the PGA (minus Neil) watch the finish.

So that was it from where I stood, I’m sure there are plenty of other stories along the way but selfishly I wasn’t focused on much else other than myself on Sunday.

Bloody great, I love the tour and all it stands for, you get out what you put in and as our chairman said.... it’s all about taking a break from routine and spending some time with your mates doing something you enjoy….long may it last.

Thanks Pauly for knocking out a winner.

Watch out for details and dates from Marty for the autumn tour and get ready for the big Platinum Tour in October 2008.

Over & out.

D

Results

NTP Sat Jeff O Jeff

Long Drive Sat Pauly

NTP Sun Jeff O Jeff

Long Drive Sun Jeff O Jeff

Total Pars 67

Total Birds 8

Well, well, very few of Dom's predictions last Friday came true. Particularly the winning part.

I do like the bullet point format of late, so will recapitulate the Freeman Cup in said form:

• Neil arrived at Riverside Oaks at 8 am so he could walk the course and download grass and wind conditions onto his GPS
• Everyone else arrived at 10:30 for an 11:00 am tee-off like most cool golfers would. Ripped.
• I couldn't see straight from the previous night and assumed the day was a write off
• Big Al called in sick with a testicular flu bug going around
• Rod Knapp declared himself gay and preferred to play in a 4-ball love fest at Wakehurst. Members only anyway
• Tour oldboy Dom, looked the part - slick shirts and all, but smelled of Dencorub on the first tee and people started to switch groups
• Ronnie was on the lemon detox buttflush program and walked the greens with a mission for life
• Paul wanted to play well but could not shake comments that his high-rollers garden was not up to scratch. PimpMyYard MTV.
• Andy was hungry for coin but lacked confidence with newly welded shafts broken in a fit of rage. Bloody ex-wives. Was that a D Wells liquid cement job?
• New swing Wendall had moments of glory, but found 18 holes too long and began to think about beer and blighty
• Chrissy snorted his way through all proceedings in true Chairman style but found no love on the scorecard
• Adam cursed his burglar days and finished last
• Neil was in the hunt with some A-grade golf early on, but eventually lost his mojo and 9 balls. On the same hole.
• And what do you know, little Bill Freeman who has only gripped his own shaft in the last 3 months, snuck in, 4 putted every green and still came 2nd
• The competition was fierce
• I was blind, played out of my arse, bogeyed the 18th and still shot 5 over par.

Cash and trophy proceedings followed where Dom handed over the newly spackjizzled Freeman Cup. Bill raised several issues, including players not having a drink after their round and the state-wide manhunt for an 80 yr old Chinese thief. Chatswoooo

Ribs, Rumps, Bumps and Humps followed in Manly. As soft as my new pewter trophy, people started to drop out by 11:30pm.

ManUp ladybugs, that's ok, I hung at the shore bar and was king of the day.

J2theBizac // :

God I love this game.

Like the Sol Tujillo of the golfing industry, Chrissy Booker stepped up in his newly appointed role of PGA Chairman and delivered a superb tour that left the golfing shareholders thoroughly pleased - well done mate.

The autumn 2007 tour saw us heading off in car pools to Port Stephens where the green grass of Pacific Dunes and Horizons awaited our fierce hacking wrath. Everyone seemed to get off to a good start and arrive safely at our destination bar the Brunka/Knapp contingency. A slightly excited Rod so thrilled about the opportunity to tour with the elite Pommy Golf Association, forgot his duties as navigator and led us to Castle Hill before finally reaching the Pacific Highway. Local knowledge smowledge mate.

As we all huddled around in the early morn, excitement levels rose as the Calcutta bets began to fall. Marty stepped up once again and delivered some great player profiles and encouraged higher punts only to get caught out by his own tactics and buy some players for "absurd prices". He proceeded to spend the rest of the tour haggling with Bill on player splits as they both realised the only thing they could win was a few 50's and perhaps a bottle of port. Nice work Martos.

Some serious bets were placed this year with the total pot exceeding $2,500, and an unprecedented $330 for Andrew Hill - that unnecessary pressure was too much for Andy and he decided to focus on drinking and sunburn. Child tuition funds spent, we laced up, did some yoga stretches at the range and the tour was in motion at Pacific Dunes.

Of course it would not be a PGA event without some level of drama, so I may mention the absence of Ronnie and Adam from our constituency…both with valid and "moral" reasons. Their presence (and coin in my pocket) were sorely missed.

In my humble opinion, the first day was spent on one of the best courses we have played on a PGA tour. Unfortunately most of us also spent our man juices trying to get through this challenging course with some relatively low stableford scores. The 30 barrier was tough to break through with only 2 players achieving this - Anthony and JB. The remaining tourers were in the low to high 20's and I enjoyed my first of many cold beers with a comfortable 6 shot lead.

The theme was set for the evening - get Brunka smashed and watch him self-destruct on Sunday. Following quick scrubs, tugs and a few beers on the 1st fairway veranda (why aren't all houses built on golf courses?) we adjourned at the Horizons restaurant for our first 5 star dinner. With everything from oysters to spiced tomato consommé with petit potato gnocchi and blue swimmer crab filled zucchini flowers, we all still ordered steak and mash. We are golfing men, not croquet playing pillow biters.

Back to the penthouse. Following a few speeches - some memorable, some not more than 3 sentences, we accepted the newest members of the PGA - Marty, Jim, Jean Marc and Joff - welcome to our fold. Big Al Bennett stepped up in his role as extracurricular events alcoholic advisor and brought in Mike the golf pro for a special display of the latest golfing techniques. A splendid display of trick golf shots ensued with an extra long tee inserted into closely shaven turf, marshmallows licked cleanly with a sandwedge and how hot candle wax can help improve your focus and touch around the greens. Hats off to Mike the Golf Pro and Big Al - true value mate.

We ended up heading to some local pub - the Salamander Bump & Grind I think, where the night carried on into the wee hours. Actually they stopped serving drinks at 12 and the whole town went into lock down at 1am, but that didn't stop Wells, Freeman, Lomax and everyone else from drinking about 20 Vodka orange juices each. Shit, those were going down the hatch like that pink tee boys. Anyway, as always the night got messy - Chrissy started to slur his sentences, Rod kept talking about how great the PGA is, Jean Marc cursed his decision to return to Blighty, Justin started to plan his early Sunday departure, Neil sharked some locals at pool and Dom momentarily thought he was Tupac, took off his shirt on the dance floor and called a local girl his black n*gger b*tch. Ayyight.

As the bar closed, a few late night revellers returned to the penthouse to finish the remaining slabs of beer after highjacking some unsuspecting teen's truck. There were news reports the next morning of a large Scottish man chasing down locals trying to avoid the 3km drunken stagger back to Horizons. Unsuccessful with this, Big Al crawled home and resorted to a fist fight with the golf carts as none of them would drive them back to his room. You want some of this!!

Sunday morning - cold eggs, bacon and beans working their magic - the 18 PGA tourers set off at Horizons and 5 1/2 hours later in blistering heat, we took our positions to realise just how much money we had wasted on other players. Martos took 3rd place - nice to see him pull together for once. A massive back nine score of 25 pts put Neil in the chase but it was not enough to knock off the Brunks who played like a duck on water – serenely calm on the surface but paddling like freakin hell underneath. Two consecutive tour wins for me and I proudly pass on my bridesmaid title to Neil.

Other prizes included:

1st Day LD - Neil

1st Day NTP - Paul

2nd Day LD - Marty

2nd Day NTP - Neil

Some big cash was handed out for the Calcutta winners - 1st place $1,750 (Brunka/Knappa), 2nd place $500 (Bill and his cronies), 3rd place $250 (Bill, Marty and any other scavengers)

Great weekend boys - well played to all. See you all at the next PGA tour.

Hit em straight // :

The 2006 Any Holes a Goal (AHAG) tour to the NSW Southern Highlands is complete. Ronnie Bettles performed a magnificent job to coordinate the PGA member's championship, the traditional Wannabee's Pinky challenge and ensured the touring party enjoyed plenty of quality après golf, food, beverages and entertainment. We kept away from Tulip Mania, checked out the highlights of Mittagong and the drinking venues of Bowral.

Saturday morning started off at Mount Broughton with surprising news that neither winner from Pure Gold was defending their titles. Marty auctioned the players and a sizeable pot of cash was on offer to the respective owners of the eventual trophy winners. Congratulations to Bill Freeman and Martyn Lomax who headed home Sunday with wallets bulging with 50's.

Unfortunately for the tour, Neil Davis arrived looking rather below par and by Saturday night had joined the list of tour casualties, heading home to recover. Mount Broughton is a tough course and the deep rough caused plenty of problems. The lost ball total would have been impressive. Still some of the highest handicappers were going well, with Marc Chappell scoring plenty of points over the opening nine holes and exclaiming to be enjoying the game of his life! Another lefty JC impressed the gallery from the opening tee. For the record Paul Easten took the NTP and Chris Booker won the Long Drive.

A number of weary golfing warriors presented themselves on Sunday morning. In an uncharacteristic turn of events Martyn Lomax was reported first home to bed, having gotten his beer consumption into double figures well before evening dinner. A rough night for Martyn who puked all night but still found enough energy to sabotage Joff's bed. Tim Jones also recovered after falling asleep at the dinner table after calling for more wine!

Bill gave us some post breakfast poetic verse, then off to the Highlands course where golf was played in fine sunshine. A delay in play was required whilst a search for Alan commenced . he was located getting some additional Z's and again later driving in the wrong direction. Sunday's course was easier but hangovers and egos and broken down carts took there toll. Joff won the LD with a monster drive and Tim was NTP on the picturesque 18th. Marty took the prize for the Swans Nest and Alan took home Betty.

Slow Play Wins the Day! Thanks to all those who provided their pearls of wisdom on Saturday night, which provided the inspiration to ensure the tour was won by a record margin. Chris Booker held back the Sunday morning golfing challenges of Dom Wells and a late charging Martyn Lomax to take home the silverware with a 3 under 'cap and 9 point winning margin. That's 3 PGA spring tour wins on the trot and rewards for regular appearances on Friday mornings throughout the previous winter.

Jim Dyer, our senior tour player held on to win the Pinky as Marty closed the overnight points gap but was unable to score enough birdies on Sunday playing off the tours lowest handicap.

Thank you to everyone who attended the tour and to Ronnie for pulling it all together to ensure that the weekend was once again a huge success.

Results

Bill was a contented soul; his vision of a hard fought, high pressure, one day stroke event had come to fruition and most importantly his dream of addressing a captured audience as the wheels of the chuckle bus went round and round was the icing on the cake.

The ubiquitous rules were spelt out, prize pool set and to much oohing and arrghing, the Classic Pewter Jug Trophy was unveiled and passed around for a fondle, a distinctly brief acquaintance for most.

Nerves on the first Tee at Camden Lakeside were evident, but the A graders got away clean enough. The next 4 to 5 hours had all the elements of drama befitting the sporting stage, here are a few highlights as seen from lead group:

• Neil cruising to a possible lead position until he found a pot bunker on the 7th, 20 minutes later the bunker looked quite different, Neil was still in it along with his ball but all the sand had gone.
• Jeff, with equipment doubt in his mind (should I have bought a stiff shaft when my swing speed optimises at 89kph?) taking matters into his own hand and smashing his driver into the ground thus breaking the offending stiffy. He played much better after that.
• Andy’s Eagle’s nest approach shot on the 10th, 140m out coming to rest 1m from the pin and setting him up for a sweet bird.
• High drama on the last hole – the eighteenth looked like a Wembley pitch invasion, people running around everywhere oblivious to the growing que back on the Tee. Some mongrel crow equipped with the latest stealth technology had swooped down and taken Chris’s ball back to the nest. Chris’s good humour of the situation soon turned to despair as a locker room tribunal confirmed the incident had cost him two shots for not re-teeing a lost ball (assumed lost because no one saw the crow). This turn of events ultimately cost Chris the title and although he was understandably pissed off for a while he showed admirable qualities in accepting his fate.

The day’s scores were read and I grateful accepted the trophy and coin. This was timely as I had previously worked out it had cost me $3.37 every time I hit the ball, which bought me to the conclusion that the better you get at golf the more expensive it becomes.

The Chuckle whisked us back for the cuzzer, having wolfed that down along with a couple of cases of Holstein Pils, we licked a few backs in the Cabana bar. Alas the beer kitty was fragile and its premature demise saw a few departures to alternate venues. The remainder of us got very messed up and then emotional as we watched the Poms achieve mediocrity in the World Cup yet again.

Wendel and I got a cab, that for some reason reversed all the way to Frenchs Forest, at this stage I couldn’t understand a word Wendel was saying, he couldn’t understand me and obviously neither of us could understand the driver. Still I chucked him my credit card to deduct what ever he wanted and staggered into the house, just in time for Sam to wake up. Needless to say a 2 year has no regard for the inaugural PGA Classic Champion and just wanted his breakfast.

As always, thanks chaps for a great day and well done to Bill for the vision and commitment in bring us all The Classic.

Long live the PGA.

Dom Wells

See more photos

PGA Classic Results

Final Scores

Player	Net	Gross
Dom	71	89
Chris	72	97
Justin	73	99
Jeff	75	85
Martyn	76	105
Andy	77	97
Neil	77	96
Bill	78	103
Ronnie	79	115
Paul	83	103
Mark	84	120
Alan	88	115

Other Noteables

Nearest the pin	Martyn
Eagles Nest	Andy
Stiffest Shaft	Jeff
Jiffled on the Chuckle Bus	Bill
Best sandcastle	Neil
Most sunburnt	Paul
Played like a girl	Wendell
Spent most to look like a golfer	Justin
Spent least to look like a golfer	Ronnie
Got home first	Chris
Got home last	Big Al

As the cabbie drove me to my Melbourne hotel at 11:30 pm Sunday night, the full weight and significance of being a PGA Tour Champion finally set in while I shared a quiet tear with my cab driver Punjai Minge. The countless hours on the road, one plane trip after another, 45 holes of gruelling golf, late nights on the piss with fellow tour players and early morning starts with a John Daly energy line.

This is the life of a professional golfer. And I love it.

First things First:

• 1st American member of the PGA (and probably last)
• 1st non-pommy member to win the tour
• 1st seppo b@stard to win the tour
• 1st clean sweep of individual prizes
• 1st Calcutta win of $750
• 1st interstate tour
• 1st Betty finish for PGA chairman

I apologise in advance: Having two consecutive bridesmaid finishes behind me (and the fact that I'm a stereotypical fat arrogant Phil Mickleson-like yank) this report may get ugly as I find it difficult to control myself from shoving so much American mojo up your arses that you'll be tasting the 4th of July for weeks to come.

Day 1

The tour got off to a spectacular start at Kingsford Smith with all but 3 of us on the same Jetstar flight - some of us having paid 79 sheets for the cleanskin airline and others paying top Qantas dollar only to be bumped from their seats of luxury, charged for additional luggage and scoffed at when asking for the free in-flight snack. And some laughed when I said I'd organise the flights.

We arrived in sunny Queensland to skies of grey and buckets of piss - Christ we've flown to Blighty! Happy golfing passengers turned to grumpy pommy b@stards when we booked the Gold Coast Retirement Village Tour Bus which took us to every pre-war landmark in a record 1.5 hours before arriving at the Breakfreeeeeee Beachcombers - ooohhhhh. And some laughed when I said I'd organise the transport.

A quick check in, scrub and change to the latest golfing fashions found us cruising in the rain to Royal Pines Golf Resort for a 2 pm warm-up round. Like an act of God, the clouds parted, the rain stop and the hotel was booked with 300 lezzas. Sweet. We paired off, threw in the 2F (Friday Five) and played 14 holes on fantastic resort style golf. The large and open fairways with plenty of spaz room lead to some big scores which would later set the scene for one of the biggest player auctions in golfing history. A handful of 20+'s and the majority in the mid to high teens, saw the cool fittyfive split between Marty and Jeff (Neil came second and Big Al had 6). The writing was on the wall and the tour was in motion.

As the sky turned dark at 5:45 (bloody farmers) and exactly when we finished our round, Moses stepped in again and flushed stall number 4. We adjourned in the hotel lobby bar to take cover from the rain and wait for chuckle bus only to find the "Girlfest" convention in full swing. Never before have the members of the PGA felt so uncomfortable in a room full of 100 women. There was little conversation as we nervously drank our Jimmy B's, choked down sawdust peanuts and thwarted off intimidating growls from flannel-wearing no-sleeves spiked-mullet muff-divers. Not even the occasional blonde-on-blonde speculation was able to put us at ease (or the hotel staff) and we were quietly escorted to the foyer to avoid another Blue Mountains scuffle. Messy.

PTB 7:30 - The Pre Tour Briefing was personally one of the tour highlights for me. Apart from the customary tour rules, format and striking of the McFadden voodoo doll with a stiff 2 iron, we handed out tour shirts, pumped player profiles and introduced the Calcutta betting system. We finally met up with Martyn, Ronnie and Andrew who had been on the longmax drinking tour since 2 pm and were half p*ssed. D. Wells did a fantastic job of introducing the players and presenting their profile with some memorable quotes:

• "Still coming to terms with the fact that in Australia there are no poor people with frizzy hair to carry his golf bag"
• "a near miss at joining the PGA last year means the title is safe but with Pinkie in his sights, don't let him out of yours ...especially if you drop your soap in the shower"
• "When quizzed about such speculation he replied "Get real son, old boys like a bit of rub and tug too you know"
• "With an envelope full of coin and an ego to match, this playboy of the PGA is in danger of losing all to the distractions of the Gold Coast."
• "Never before has a True Blue Aussie and experienced tour player so wanted to join the ranks of the PGA, unfortunately an English Wife, three Children named after Kings and a fist full of pommy mates is simply not enough for the PGA gates to be thrown open."
• "I'm only here for the beer, Vodka RedBulls, scraps and, tits is his mantra."
• "But no man can stay away long and after throwing aside his robes, swapping Mung Beans for Macca's and being banished from the community for knocking one out on a yoga mat, the big man is born again."
• "Never one to back down, this pint sized punchy Pikey wants it all, why have one bird when you can have two why have one tw@t when you can have an armful why have a pink ball on a piece of wood when you can have the PGA trophy,"
• "In his final PGA swansong, will we see Pinky flying first class back to Blighty on British Airway's Sweet Chariot or will this double barrelled barrow boy from Bow blow it all and head home with his cap in hand."
• "Where is this Richard Coach, he's not here, who gives a sh*t we'll spend his money on the beer."

We took our punts - Chrissy went for a pittance, someone bought Bill, Marty dropped a deuce, Andrew tried to speak at one point, slurred some words together and went back to slamming Boags, Neil threw down a whopping 260, Jim had a nap, Dom bought no love, Martyn got his head through and Big Al bought himself for $21.50.
Marty - well done on the Calcutta.

The rest of the evening was fairly tame with a nice curry, some more banter and a brief insight to the Marty Nichols School of Hard Negotiation where he single handily cranked the restaurant owner down from $25.95 to $25.00 per head. Solid.

After dinner, we were so full we all went for a long beach walk, arm in arm and Neil nearly chewed off his fist at the raw beauty. Ronnie cried and talked of peace.

Day 2

During breakfast Adam told me of his restless night and that he had been watching me sleep since 5 am. Ohhhh Ohhhhh.

We golfed. Nothing special or stupid here. Just Golf. No fluffy bunny rabbits, stoned greenkeepers or hole by hole recap of who hit a 9 iron. Just Pure Gold Robina Woods.

Back to the hotel and off to the English Pub at the Casino. To avoid turning this report into a book and chiefly because I remember more in the first day when I was sober, it is going to get shorter and shorter. Following some slight confusion on our table booking, I spoke to Wayne (the manager) and thumped some Brunk knowledge on him. Don't they know who we are? Steaks, mash and 10 pints each saw us adjourning with a back stage pass to the band area. First round result were announced with Chrissy and JB off 37 and a trail of others ranging from 36 down to 12 (nice one Al). Marty as always, had talked a big game, promised the world and delivered an atlas.

The best 1st day group score was won by the lowest individual performers which left us all baffled and will go down as a Pure Gold unsolved mystery. Who gives a rats.

Bill read a poem and gave some love presents to Jean Marc and Martyn. Slut. The night goes on and it gets blurry - a japanese Justin Timberlake took the stage and shredded some moves, Neil slide across the dance floor, Justin turned to the hard stuff, Jim continued scratching away at his pad of paper (still don't know what he's doing), people moved away from Chrissy as he waffled about his golf performance, Marty talked of coup to overthrow the chairman so he could get into the PGA, Big Al went to the driving range, Paul got literally blind, some went gambling, some went to the dance floor and someone saw Bill trade a gold plated ProV1 for another round of craps. A group of five 6 foot 4 gay male models took off their shirts on the dance floor - Dom got confused, took off his own shirt and starting licking their backs.

The rest is history. 4 hours of sleep and its tee off time.

Day 3

The only thing I remember about Sunday's round is the shrieking voice of Ronnles, running down the 14th, club in hand, shouting you f-ing c*nt b@*tard. Tempers were high, play was slow, hangovers were hard. It's a full contact sport.

Score cards were submitted and everyone cooled down with a shower in one of the best club lockerooms. Ohhkay, that sounded gay. Scores were tallied and we all waited in gripping suspense as Bill read the results - we all know the story from here. Bill won Betty, Adam won Pinkie and I won everything else. Great effort from Neil who nearly snuck in on the second round.

Hats off to everyone for a fantastic tour, sensational golf and irreplaceable golfing camaraderie.

Pure Gold will go down in history.

Ronnie spat the dummy.
Marty thought it was funny.
Jeff and Adam took the fifteen hundgie.

Put that it your pipe and smoke it Mr. Chairman.

Long live the PGA.

Audi 5000

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PGA Results

1. Jeff 37 + 31 = 68
2. Neil 31 + 35 = 66
3. Chris 37 + 24 = 61
4. Ronnie 30 + 29 = 59
5. Andrew 28 + 26 = 54
6. Dom 26 + 26 = 52
7. Martyn 23 + 24 = 47
8. Bill 23 + 21 = 44

Wannabes Results

1. Adam 28 + 35 = 63
2. Jean Marc 36 + 24 = 60
3. Marty 25 + 32 = 57
4. Jim 28 + 28 = 56
5. Justin 26 + 29 = 55
6. Paul 26 + 28 = 54
7. Alan 12 + 21 = 33

Other prizes

• Highest 4 ball score : Ronnie Alan Bill Justin
• Longest Drive - Day 1: Jeff
• Nearest to pin - Day 1: Jeff
• Longest Drive - Day 2: Jeff
• Nearest to pin - Day 2: Jeff

The long awaited and eagerly anticipated PGA tour was hosted in sensational weather in the Blue Mountains and didn't disappoint the touring contingent. The mountain courses were in beautiful condition, the two courses selected provided contrasting features, fairways and greens.

By 11am the keenest PGA members arrived at Leura and news quickly spread that defending champion and crowd favourite Dom Wells, was planning to fight the pain barrier and play. An unfortunate injury on the Friday before the tour, at the home of Pommy Golf - Wakehurst - forcing the champ to tee off in considerable discomfort.

The pre game lunch offered few clues to the players, with pairings kept top secret until shortly before tee-off. Dom with first off the tee and pulling out the Driver and ominously hit out of bounds to the road. Jim Dyer and Neil blasted up the fairway and the tour was on! This 3 ball soon disappeared and was next seen in the clubhouse 18holes later. Neil had a sensational round - this Wannabe shooting a PGA record 45 points to have one hand on the Pinky trophy by Saturday night.

First away from the next group was Adam & I, playing with Andy and Michael. In an interesting development moments before tee off our chairman offered Adam "The Burglar" Gladstone an option - Handicap reduction to 18 or play with a pitching wedge. The 2 shot reduction proved about right, with Adam hitting a number of greens in regulation but the putting was unforgiving. Andy playing his usual measured long iron game.

Behind was a noisy, heckling bunch of fast playing young guns! Martyn and Bill, pushing the pace were paired with our tour leader Marc 'Wendall' and Alan. As we looked over our shoulders we could see Martyn launching 'Longmax' specials & peppering the greens during the opening nine holes. Chairman Bill was heard yelling, 'hurry up' abuse to the 4 ball ahead.

Pre-Tour favourite Jeff played with Ronnie at opposite ends of the handicap spectrum together with Wannabes Jean Marc & Paul who made up the huge 15-player party. Jeff collecting a massive 37 points to finish the day as overnight PGA leader.

As darkness closed around the clubhouse, Dom, Jim and Neil were preparing a search party, fearing a cliff top fatality could be the only reason no one had followed them into the clubhouse! Back on the course, the dog leg par 5, 16th and tight 17th were taking there toll on several score cards and play backed up around a tricky par3 duck pond green.

On a personal note I sunk a birdie putt on the par 5, 4th for 5 points, to shouts of 'Albie albatross'.

The evening entertainment is the highlight of the tour weekend and this one was no exception. Marc's planning included a fine Leura pub choice for beers and steak. The food was fine and the after dinner speech by our Chairman was vintage. A brief poem warned off the dangers ahead to any Wannabe that fails to meet the PGA attendance requirements! A funny and clever 2nd poem read by Bill will hopefully find it ways onto the website, told of legendary past tours, current players and traits!

Back to the main event, Drinking! The kitty was steadily being consumed and a prestigious PGA shirt was thrown on the fire. Farewell to Simon - enough said. The Carrington hotel Katoomba kicked off and the party rocked into the early hours. Rumours of a disturbance, Wendall taking a right hook, Neil's dancing, slappers, another Blue Mountains punchy man, Dom in a cage and Adam sleeping with his head down the toilet, are stories that are best left on tour.

Sunday, big pressure for the high scorers, who teed off with sore heads, regurgitated breakfasts and mutterings of never drinking again!

I played with Martyn, Bill and Jean Marc - a group who had all scored around 32 points on Saturday and not yet given up the game. 12points over the first 4 holes got me off to a solid start before scrambling to 19 by the turn. The effects of alcohol and food deprivation were beginning to tell.

The long drive was a shambles with the first two groups finding a collective single shot on the fairway! Well done to JM but 100m was unlikely to be good enough. Dom, his back now in reasonable shape was making a charge a nd smashed a drive up the 9th to take the LD prize with Jim a close 2nd.

Martyn turned for the back nine with 16 points and then hit a rich vein of form which saw him record 12 points on the next 4 holes including a massive iron from 200m out which stopped just inches from the pin. He followed this with a monster 8iron on the down hill par3 for birdie and another 4 points!

Pressure was mounting and I knew I needed to go with Martyn now or he'd blow me away with his long irons and classic easy draw. Unfortunately for Martyn an OOB tee shot from the 15th was followed at the 16th by a lost ball and a window of opportunity opened for me.

My stomach churned as I approached the 17th. Nearest the pin, 128metres across a water hazard to a tight green with the pin tucked in the right corner. Just the sort of hole where I’d usually make a few offerings to Neptune, the mythical god of water! Picking a 7iron my shot was up and away, before drifting a little right, fortunately settling just off the green. Whew!

New Wannabe Paul had the NTP marker down and this proved good enough with Jim again collecting the 2nd prize for a tidy booty of prizes - golf umbrella and money pin.

Around to the 18th tee and Bill asked me whether I was quietly confident "I'll be noisily confident if I get this teeshot in play" I replied. A 4iron over the water landed safely onto the hill. Keep your head down, nothing silly now, a wedge left just short of the green 2putt and its over.

Jeff was on the green to meet us and body language suggested he hadn't done enough - or was he bluffing? A long wait followed as the remaining players made their way around 18. Ronnie was spotted, red t-shirt and blue cap in the distance, guiding a huge shot over the hill, down to the centre fairway. Who would Betty be going home with?

On the balcony Bill led the presentations and thank you's. For the record Neil ran away with Pinky after an awesome display on Saturday and the prize was sportingly handed over by Adam the previous tour winner.

In an exciting finish, Ronnie pipped Marc on the last green sinking a 3 pointer to leave Betty and Marc together for another six months. Jeff and Dom kindly offering to relieve Marc of the duties of organising the next tour. A classic will await us in April 2006.

40 points on Sunday added to the 32 on Saturday, enough to give me the honour of the first repeat name on the PGA trophy.

Thank you to Marc for the all the hard work in the organising the event and prizes and to everyone else for making it such an enjoyable and fun weekend. Long live the PGA!

Scores

PGA members
---------------------
Chris		72 
Jeff		69
Martyn		62
Bill		60
Andrew		58
Dom		54
Ronnie		38
Marc		37

Wannabes
---------------------
Neil		TBA
Adam		TBA
Paul		TBA
Jean-Marc	TBA
Michael		TBA
Allan		TBA
Jim		TBA

As the good cleaners of West Windsor vacuumed the sand off the hotels floors, the fair maidens of the Vineyard Pub awoke with damp memories of the gorgeous pommy rally driver and the mechanics at Riverside Oaks undertook a damage assessment of cart # 54, it was all over for another six months, the third Pommy Golf Association Tour had come to an end with a climatic finish befitting such a classic event.

Day 1

The unexpected T-off from the tenth may have disrupted Chris's six months of mental preparation but he overcame this quickly with the customary first shot, a sweet 3 wood straight up the middle! The Souf Lundern Wannabe's were loving it, barracking the members and heckling for an upset. The next T-shot of note was Bill's fine effort 30m out of bounds, he liked it and did another for good measure, having a rest on the first was all part of the past winner's strategy. The tour was off with all the players hoping their new purchases would guide them to victory, Andy's new bag, my new bag, Adam's (Ping, Taylormade, Callaway) combo and Bills ProV1X dozen (less two).

The golf was good & bad, up & down, slow & fast but golf none the less and after 18 holes every one seemed happy enough. After much checking on the standings and a couple of looseners on the terrace, Chris's Father in Law Jim took his leave (he had been to the Vineyard before). Good to see a mature player out there (Jim not me) with thoughts of a father / son pre tour comp a future possibility.

Evening

Rodney burst onto the scene as we weaved our way down White Post Lane in the dark heading for the venue. A fifteen minute pit-stop (30 mins for Jeff who has more product to apply to more hair than the rest of us) we where chowing down on local cow and fizzy piss. Marty picked his moment and after warming up with a face off with me (I won marginally), engaged the greater mass of non members and members regarding his belief that the PGA has superseded Marty's Masters as the premier event and as he can't be ars@d to organise it any more he wants to win our trophy. It was something like that, anyway Bill chaired well, The Souf Lundeners loved this as well and gleefully shouted more abuse, Wendel & Ronnie were swayed early and Adam was unmoved "No Fuzzy Wuzzies in the PGA". After a couple of hours we moved on to the Cowboy Bar to chase mice, spirits, toothless grins, gay dancers and those who tried to sneak off to bed before 2 am.

My bed was in the car park, Jeff liked this, he could share mine.  No 17 was woken up at ½ hour intervals from 12pm to 2.30pm and then Chris (a suspiciously early riser) woke us all up at 6am. Billius was having none of it and decided to deny No 17 of a Sunday morning lie in.

Day 2

The standard was good considering, Marty's drives were not suffering and Jeff was focused, Adam persisted in playing well below is market driven handicap, the title was wide open and the hunt was on. It got hot but the lovely Trolley Dolly kept us going with a smile (despite Brunka's attempts to seduce her) and some ice cold Powerade. It was coming to a close and assuming Bill or Chris hadn't turned in a blinder I was putting for a play-off. Sunk it and it was game on. In a Frenzie of cart swapping, advice, caddying and barracking (mainly from the Souf Lunduners) the tour rolled on, for three agonising holes. Jeff did his job with consistent pars, I kept up, just with two straight bogies. The 13th was to end it all, a bad drive and a good rescue saw me in the bunker for two, Jeff drove well and also bunkered for two. I chipped and two putted for five. Jeff chipped, putted and needed his second for a winning four - he missed. The tour was mine.

• PGA April Tour Winner - Dom Wells
• Wannabe Pinky Trophy Winner - Adam Gladstone
• Nearest the Pin - Bill Freeman
• Longest Drive - Martyn (They don't call me long iron for nothing) Lomax
• Drink Less And Still Be More Pissed Than The Lot Of Ya Trophy - Bill Freeman
• Betty - Marc (Wendel) Chappel

Great weekend, I loved it. Thanks to you all, especially Martyn for setting it up and Jeff who is really the one who has improved my golf enough to make me a contender.

Start preparing for September boys....I won't be giving up this one easily!

Scores

PGA members
---------------------
Dom		73 (Winner after play-off)
Jeff		73
Bill		64
Chris		62
Martyn		61
Andrew		58
Marc		46


Wannabes
---------------------
Adam		79
Marty		71
Neil		69
Jean-Marc	65

Did not contend
---------------------
Ronnie		28
Jim		28 

After three years of performing the duty of "doors master" Dom has decided to hand the duty over to another PGAer. Martyn will now take on this duty along with being in charge of the all important Thursday "who's up for a hit" email.

The committee would like to thank Dom for doing an outstanding job and wish Martyn all the best in keeping up the high standard of excel work.

'With weather that you could only dream of (or expect on the summer tour) we had two great days at Horizons golf resort, Port Stephens.

Close scores after day one meant fierce competition on the Sunday.

Chris stormed ahead and took the cup and green cap. Whilst Martyn lost his nerve to take home Betty and, of course, the 'honour' of organising the next tour.

With this tour seeing the first guest non-PGA players Andrew took the "I wish I was a member of the PGA" trophy, without any competition! He'll be back to defend this trophy next year, or who knows.. he's might be made a full member by then!

      

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'Extreme' sums up the inaugural PGA tour to the Central Coast of New South Wales. The weather was extremely English, the scores were extremely bad the beer was extremely cold and fizzy and we had an extremely good time ..like I say extreme.  Congratulations to our newly appointed Chairman, Bill Freeman (appointment minuted on brown paper bag) who cruised home with the overall win of the tour, other mentions to Dom Wells (me) for winning Nearest The Pin prizes on both days and of course Marc Chapel for playing like a girl, losing and having the 'honour' of organising the winter tour.

Advise for next tour:

• Don't pull off your best golf cart 360 degree handbrake manoeuvre approaching the green on the 18th!
• Don't fall out of your cart whilst attempting said manoeuvres.
• Don't hit the green in one and five put for no points.
• Don't spend more than 5 minutes staring down your ball before mishitting, swearing and repeating the procedure on the Ladies tee.

• Don't go to bed before midnight
• Don't Lose!

  ..you know who you are!

     

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